It's 4:13 am. I woke up at 2:50 and laid there for about 45 minutes...then I gave up trying to sleep and here I am. I used to HATE these sleepless nights. Tonight it's like an oasis. It's dark and quiet and the candles in the family room are flickering. Uninterrupted time to think, to ask God stuff, to get the tangles out of my head.
It has been a bumpy ride this year. Dave's been jobless for ten months now, except for a short stint at a job that did not work out. We have been up and down. We have been more than well-provided-for financially (frequently miraculously!) and never even come close to having to do without the necessities. But emotionally and mentally...oi. Tough times.
I think we've both come to the conclusion that this whole season isn't really about joblessness at all...that it's about being cared for in a different way. It's about our Father being kind enough to take us through the dryest of times to show us our hearts and some decisions that we've made about Him in the past that are not about Truth.
I mean, who sets out in their life to knowingly believe stuff that's really a bunch of hooey? But as I've gone through this year I've seen that there's quite a bit of renewing that needs to happen in me (duh.) For many reasons, I have embraced that which is not the Whole Truth and I have not 'til now seen it clearly. As my dear friend Dawn says, if a person knew they were being deceived it wouldn't be called deception, right?
For about a decade now, my frequent request has been for the Lord to show me my pride, to draw me closer to Himself...and through these past months, He seems to be taking me up on that in an accelerated course of learning. I wasn't prepared for how painful it is to see the partial truths (okay, LIES!) I've believed, to see that I've chosen to play the blame-game instead of resting and trusting. Through these revelations of my shortcomings and the lies I've held close, I've been astounded by the tender, attentive care given to me by the Lord. He's not ticked and wanting to ostracize me like I've thought. I have tasted a new freedom and I sure would like more of it.
I confess that I have been in a very dangerous boat: the U.S.S. Presumption. I see that 47 years of life on this earth does not even SCRATCH THE SURFACE of all there is to know about ANYTHING. And I am most thankful this season to see that I am being RESCUED by the One Who is the Way out, He Who is the Truth that cannot be Refuted, the One Who is the Life I've always longed for.