When I was pregnant with Bree years ago, I had an unreasonable fear that I was going to do or not do something that would cause her death. As I write this it is so obvious to me where that kind of fear would originate...but I was oblivious at the time.
I was fearful as my pregnancy progressed that I would miscarry. I DID get in a nasty car wreck when I was about 7 1/2 months along, but no harm was done to Bree or to me! When she was finally born I was so relieved! God had taken care of her and brought her to us! I thought my worries were over!
I remember her having a stuffed up nose for the first few weeks after her birth. She was so stuffy that she would snort as she breathed. The Dr. John gave us some saline drops to help her out. I remember sitting in the back row of church, surrounded by other parents holding peacefully sleeping babies. And there I sat with my stuffy baby making a snort/whistle with every breath in and out. How silly to be scared of nasal congestion...but I was afraid that she wouldn't be able to breathe and still terribly afraid that she might die.
A few months later, I had a 'light bulb' moment...the Lord that kept Bree safe in the womb was the same God watching over her now that she had been born. Sounds so elemental now...I was struck with the fact that she was in His hands and that everyday we had her with us was a blessing and a gift from Him.
Fast forward 18 1/2 years....we are teaching Bree to drive. I had two separate moments this week that reminded me of my fears when she was tiny. One was when I dropped her off at driving school, the other was when she went driving with her Auntie Di just today. Both times it was a, "Yikes, I am not going to be able to take care of her" feeling that nearly brought tears.
So, I ask myself, do I really think I've been the one protecting her all these years? I think I let myself believe the illusion (the lie) that I have been in control, that I have been her protector. I know that in some respects that has been true, but ultimately, just as I had no control over Bree's safety in utero, her safety as she grew, and now as she is learning to drive (and learning quickly, I might add...), I am not and CANNOT be her ultimate Protector. And when I have the right perspective (which happens once in a blue moon), I realize that I would not want to be.
Bree is loved with an Everlasting Love and is supported by the Everlasting Arms. She is in the best hands and I can rest (if I choose to do so!!). Go, Bree, Go!